By: Texas Mom from the Wait Until 8th Community
My high school senior does not have a smartphone. In fact, she only got a “dumb phone” when she turned 16 and got her driver’s license. Of course, she wishes she had an iPhone like almost everyone else, but she is flourishing in her social life and other endeavors.
When she was in middle school, I felt lost and alone, as I came to the realization of how rare it is to raise a teenager without a smartphone. All my intuition and instincts as a mother told me giving her a smart phone would not be the right choice for our family.
Since my daughter was the only middle schooler at the time at her school without a smartphone, I doubted my decision. I would’ve given anything to have another parent I could talk to who had been in my shoes. I’m writing this, not to say that every parent should be on the same path as me. I am close to many wonderful parents of amazing children who have completely different family technology policies. I’m writing this for those parents whose hearts are telling them to go against the grain with their children and phones. I believe parents know what’s best for their own families and my kids are living proof that it is possible to raise healthy, happy children while being quite unconventional with technology.
When my daughter started middle school, the advice that I heard repeatedly went a little something like this: “Yes, there is harm that will come to your child from smartphones and social media, but the social harms would be greater if your child is the only one of their peers without them.”
We have several children, all equally unusually low-tech for their ages, and their social lives shatter this advice. They have many friends, are all well-liked by their peers and teachers in school and have active in-person social lives. They are bold and confident, and willing to speak in public. Some of my children participate in sports and some participate in arts, but they all excel, and are leaders in their extracurriculars. My senior was even crowned homecoming queen this year. I hate the boastful nature of this paragraph, but I feel it needs to be known that there are examples of socially thriving lower tech children in 2024.
Despite being somewhat unusual with phones, we do not altogether live in the 1800s at our house. We have a desktop computer for the family, a House Phone, and my personal iPhone is the family phone loaded with all sports and other activity apps, and available for the use of anyone. In middle school, our oldest had Google voice and iMessage access to texting and calling on a personal iPad, and in high school received a laptop which provided further access. (There are a few more small tips I will share at the bottom of this post.) We chose this route for providing communication and technology opportunity to our kids because I preferred it to the “everywhere all the time nature” of the phone. This system fits better with our family and my parenting style. Whether I’m parenting around nutrition and treats or entertainment technology or any topic, I like to set up an environment where the kids can regulate themselves naturally and minimize parental nagging. This setup meets my goals.
While everything I’ve stated is completely true for my family, it is also true that my kids would choose to have a smartphone like everyone else if they could. There are times where they have felt left out and embarrassed by being the only youth without them. They have even had incidents of being left out of school projects or school social media group texts. There are times where I feel guilty or sad for my children, because it is an uncomfortable position to be in such a small minority of kids. I’ve heard several variations of “Why do you have to be the weirdest mom in the world?” on multiple occasions. My children get upset with me sometimes, but they also know where my heart is. I’m open with them about my own vulnerabilities with vanity and insecurity as a young woman, the bad feelings I’ve felt through social media, even as an adult, and my desire for all of us to be able to prioritize the relationships and people right in front of us. It is hard to be different, but after assessing all the burdens and the benefits, I still believe we are doing what’s best for our family.
There are many great resources like Wait Until 8th and Jonathan Haidt’s writing in his new book Anxious Generation and After Babel | Jon Haidt | Substack and others that can explain the research behind youth and screens more thoroughly and eloquently than I ever could. I share these resources with my children and my friends sometimes. This gives my children a better understanding of where we are coming from as parents, and it has been the spark for many meaningful conversations with my friends.
I was never successful in getting a full Wait Until 8th pledge group, but a few of my friends were empowered to delay smartphones a little longer and it gave us a starting point to be able to discuss these issues together and support each other. I hope this writing can reach some parent who feels alone and needs a little support following their gut. I’m here to tell you it is possible to be unconventional with technology and have a healthy teenager. Your parenting instincts are powerful!
Below I'm sharing a few tips and resources that have been helpful to my family.
We keep a house phone for when the kids are home alone.
After reading up on the Let Grow movement of Lenore Skenazy and Jonathan Haidt, I believed that allowing more physical freedom would be good for the development of my children. Even though it was initially hard for me to let go, I chose to let my kids starting in middle school roam the neighborhood with friends and just an old analog watch and a curfew.
Additionally, I try to make our house "the place to be" for in person socialization, even when I'm tired or my house isn't perfectly clean. I know our kids are missing out on online opportunities, so I want to do my best to provide in person social opportunity when I can.
On an old phone of mine, I keep a family Instagram account so my kids can keep up with postings from their extracurricular and school activities. I don't want them to miss seeing their own photos and accomplishments being shared by their activity groups, and this is a good compromise for our family.
When your child does need a communication device, consider Wait Until 8th’s smartphone alternatives list. This resource is wonderful and filled with great alternative phone options. We ended up choosing the light phone for our family. It’s not designed specifically to be a kid phone, it’s designed for adults who want to be less hooked to their phones, and I loved that. It’s text and call only with the black-and-white screen.
My husband and I have slowly over the years whittled down our social media and phone use to do our best to be good role models for our kids. For about 5 years we have kept our phones out of our bedroom when we sleep and use a real alarm clock. When we go to family gatherings or church, we keep our phones in our glovebox or at home to prioritize those we are with. Also, for about 4 years now, I've not had an internet browser or social media apps on my phone. We also strive for no devices at the family dinner table and often power off devices for family vacations.
Special thanks to this mom of three children in Texas for sharing her family’s story with us! We love hearing from parents across the country! Please share how delaying smartphones has made a difference for your families by emailing us at info@waituntil8th.org .
Please consider delaying the smartphone for your child with the Wait Until 8th pledge and delaying social media until 16+. There are so many reasons to wait. Currently the average age a child receives a smartphone is around 4th grade despite the many distractions and dangers that comes with this technology. Join more than 50,000 parents by signing the pledge today.
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