By: Sarah Gallagher Trombley
Kids want to be on social media. They feel significant social pressure, especially when “everyone else” seems to have access. But the benefits don’t outweigh the risks. Not by a long shot. This is my best advice on how and why to say no.
5 Main Messages
Not giving you social media is not a punishment, it's a safety decision. And, it's one I’ve spent a lot of time researching and thinking about.
Not giving you social media isn’t because I don’t trust you—it's the virtual world and the strangers in it that I don’t trust.
The dangers of social media are real. You may not be able to fathom the dangers or think they won’t happen to you but they really do happen to kids just like you.
Social media was created for adults. The parental controls offered do not make it safe enough for teens.
I love you. Please remember that.
How to say no (13+)
Talking Points
Social Media Parental Controls were added well after these apps launched—largely in response to complaints and pressure, not because a teen use case was intentionally designed.
Here are some examples of where the Parental Controls fall short
YouTube has addictive & problematic content. Specifically, YouTube Shorts is built like the scrolling content feeds in TikTok or Instagram but there are no YouTube Shorts specific parental controls. The content controls are observably less consistent on Shorts than on regular YouTube.
TikTok has addictive & problematic content and data and privacy issues. While it does actually have fairly strict parental controls, TikTok is observably the most addictive. TikTok is also currently being sued by the DOJ for child data privacy concerns.
Instagram has addictive & problematic content AND unsafe private messaging. Instagram controls can’t definitively block strangers from reaching you. I cannot monitor messages.
Snapchat has unsafe private messaging AND SnapMap does not have any parental controls. Snapchat controls can’t definitively block strangers from reaching you. Also, I cannot monitor messages or manage SnapMap.
Notifications for these apps cannot be controlled through parental controls (except for TikTok). As with all apps, notifications are designed to pull users back in multiple times a day.
The reasons why addictive content, unsafe private messaging and social media notifications are problems
Unsafe private messaging
Strangers can pretend to be someone you know or go to school with.
Strangers can sell children drugs or bait them into sharing private information or compromising photos (sexploitation). Both have had lethal consequences- drug overdoses and suicides.
Even interactions with people you do know IRL can be dangerous: Cyberbullying and Stalking are real issues on social media apps among friends and acquaintances.
For all these reasons, I need to be able to monitor messages and the parental controls don’t let me do that.
Addictive & Problematic Content
Social Media has been known to contribute to poor habits and mental health outcomes. My concerns include:
Losing time from scrolling endless feeds of content
Dopamine Addiction as the scrolling feed hijacks your dopamine reward system
Reduced attention span also from that same scrolling behavior
Inappropriate content gets missed by moderation teams– not just sexual or violent but biased, subversive and factually incorrect. When you watch content alone on your phone, there is no one to provide context or a reality check.
Content from feeds can also lead to feelings of loneliness, otherness, FOMO, jealousy which can turn into depression, anxiety or worse.
The notifications from social media apps- whether its content, messaging alerts or notifications that people are interacting with your posts are distracting and further contributing to an inability to focusand a reduced attention span.
I need to be able to review what you are watching especially if I notice any of the above and I can’t. I need to be able to help you manage your notification settings and the parental controls don’t let me do that.
How to say no (under 13)
Talking Points
According to the app store, Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat are not appropriate for anyone under 13.
I am not comfortable with you lying about your age to get access to any app.
Social Media apps do have some protections and parental controls for younger users starting at 13 but you won’t get the right ones if you have given the incorrect age.
Please see everything else above
Some supporting data for saying no
Private Messaging / Strangers
Social Media Deaths: Hundreds of wrongful death lawsuits have been filed against social media companies particularly from drug overdoses or from seeing content and harming themselves¹
Existence of Online Predators: According to the FBI,
there are an estimated 500,000 online predators active each day
over 50 percent of the victims of online sexual exploitation are between the ages of 12 and 15
An estimated 89 percent of sexual advances directed at children occur in Internet chatrooms or through instant messaging²
Rise in Sextortion Cases: The number of global cases of sextortion reported to the US National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) more than doubled in 2023, rising to 26,718 compared to 10,731 the year before.³
Addictive & Problematic Content / Attention : Dr. Gloria Mark, a professor of informatics who studies attention spans due to social media, said the average attention span on a screen has decreased by 103 seconds between 2004 and 2023.⁴
Notifications / Attention: According to research in Jonathan’s Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation: teens receive on average 192 alerts each day. If you assume 14 hours of awake time that’s one notification every 4 or 5 minutes the entire time you are awake.
Objection Handling // Real Talk
Real Talk? It is highly unlikely that your child is going to listen to your very valid and thoughtful reasons and just be ok with the no. That said, I wholeheartedly believe that they will thank you in the long run.
Every kid seems to believe:
Everyone else has it
Those bad things won't happen to me
There are no perfect rebuttals to these objections. My best advice is to acknowledge their experience and their feelings. Then, encourage them to do their own reading & research. But hold your ground. Your decision is about safety. That is more important than anything else.
Final Thought For Parents // Real Talk
What I’m going to say next is NOT going to convince any child, but it may be the thing that convinces parents who are on the fence.
Further Reading
Scrolling 2 Death. Podcast. Nicki Reisberg. here
“What happened when I made my sons and their friends go without smartphones” Article in The Times published just last week. Decca Aitkenhead. here
The Anxious Generation. Book. Jonathan Haidt.
“Being 13.” Last year’s article in the New York Times. Jessica Bennet. here
Article References
1 CNN “Families who sued social media companies years ago are taking matters into their own hands” April 17, 2024. Full article here.
2 KOAA News55. “Deep Dive: FBI estimates 500,000 online predators are a daily threat to kids going online.” June 2, 2021. Full article here.
3“NCA issues urgent warning about ‘sextortion’” Full article here.
4The Standard. “Attention spans dwindle due to social media use.” May 2, 2023. Full Article here.
Sarah Gallagher Trombley is a digital parenting expert, ex-Snapchat Executive and mom of two. With more than 20 years working in digital media and technology, she understands how child safety decisions get made. She also is a fellow parent figuring out what to do for her own kids.
Sarah’s mission is to help parents navigate the digital world by providing insight, advice and practical tips which she does through her newsletter "Thoughts From A Digital Mom," speaking events and social accounts. Her work covers a wide range of topics including social media headlines, new technology and apps, as well as how-to support for digital house rules, parental controls, social media, group texting and more. Sarah is committed to educating parents in search of good tech solutions for all kids.
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